Remember to be Afraid of Everything

by Parish

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Ethan Gilardi
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1.
I Hate Goodbyes More Than I Hate Hellos 05:03
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Not again This always happens Better find a way outside Where there’s space And no light To blind me from what’s in my mind I can’t help But think of you Cause you know me better than I do It’s not like I’m serious It’s not like I ever cared Your voice sings And my ears ring That Friday night never meant a thing You never seemed to notice The toll it has taken on me (Taken on me) (Just end it please) I can’t see clear; won’t see clear I can’t be here; won’t be here We had a chance but our worlds would not connect I’m fading in and out again (It’s not fair) But I still hear the words you say (You can’t just disappear) I’m fading in and out again (It’s not fair) There has to be another way (Don’t tell me it's all okay) Led astray By my headspace Still looking for a place to stay I can’t wait until the day All my memories of you fade away
2.
Canned Dew 03:59
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Past the point Of no return Make my way to the darkest room Shut my eyes And hope to God That this won’t take away everything I love Is that too much to ask for? (Take it all away) Eight years I’ll wait (What’s behind my face) The pressure stays the same (Run along the vein) And find the source of all this uncertainty (Take it all away) A plastic bag Over my head Keep pulling til there’s no one left Swollen joints Will start to ache Maybe this time there’s no use straining my eyes to see what it all means. I won’t listen I won’t take suggestions This is my fight And that’s okay, it’s my life Familiar suffering (You said it won't last, please don't last) That same kind of feeling (It’s here to stay, it’s here to stay) (Please take it all away) I think I’m ready (What’s behind my face) To sew my mouth shut for good (Run along the vein) I won’t be ready (Take it all away) To be forever mute
3.
Perish 04:42
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Looking through the glass At the last Remnants of your ghost You’re a ghost. I read all your notes But I guess you didn’t know A place inside your heart Is all I wanted from the start It’s not like you To be so cruel What were lullabies Are now down-tuned I’ll stay up all night Delaying light The sun won’t be enough, Enough to warm the both of us. I’ll let go of who you always thought I was. Who you thought I was When you’re sitting all alone In the Taco Bell parking lot I hope you remember me As someone you could trust You could trust You can trust me if you want (You can trust me)
4.
Thoughts and Prayers 03:20
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Stormy weather Always makes me feel better We're all in the dark Waiting for the pain to falter You cannot face the facts, how disappointing (If there's an answer I'll find it on my own) You cannot face the fact it's overwhelming (It's hard to call this place home) Predicament Is what the news will call it As they wait to cover The next incident You cannot face the facts, how disappointing (It's funny how our problems stay the same) You cannot face the fact, it's overwhelming (As if they were self made) The bullets fly into the crowd They don't even make a sound But I refuse to live in fear Though it happens more each year Stormy weather (If there's an answer I'll find it on my own) Always makes me feel better (It's hard to call this place home) So go ahead and say your thoughts and prayers Just so you can say you really do care Stormy weather (It's funny how our problems stay the same) When will I feel better? (As if they were self made)
5.
Dummy 02:46
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At first it was so perfect The room felt so important That I always wanted to be The one with all the people around me Tremble in your temple Feel all the weight that’s building up There’s no way to avoid it You can close your eyes but know I’m always right This time I won’t take your side. We weren’t good enough It might seem emasculating But I would rather need anyone but you Selfish, direspectful And everyone around you knows the truth Don’t speak, it’s aggravating I won’t hear another excuse The last thing this world needs, is more of you. More of you. We weren’t good enough
6.
It's You 04:03
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It's finally arrived Opening night No one’s noticing, that’s not me on the screen. I’m CG, a copy, I was in Tesuque. My thoughts like tar pits Pulling me underneath Here I go Running in circles It won’t be the first time And it will not be my last Here I go Pretending again It’s hard to forget I was born broken So I’ll wait for my dreams to disintegrate entirely. Disintegrate my brain. All the things you cling to And everything you’ve been through When there’s no one left for you to lose There is only you It’s only you.
7.
Acid Washed 03:54
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In the corner of my mind But in the foreground Of every day and night I’m always looking For a way to dissociate From what’s around me Who said I should be Someone worth saving In my head In my thoughts I never want to be apart From this pain That I know Don’t tell me I’m not in control Breathe it in Spit it out Don’t act like you know what it’s about It may seem like vanity But I can’t stand the sight of me Crashing before noon One more smoke break I’ll find an excuse To sneak out early It’s so easy to be who you want to be When you don’t want to, don’t want to be me One more lifetime One more fantasy Two more lessons I’m waiting to receive One less lifetime (Things weren’t always so clean) One less fantasy Two more reasons (Sometimes the truth is ugly) I wish to be free So I’ll take time away Just so I can feel something It’s not a tragedy (When all of this comes to an end) It’s my own mortality (How will I ever sleep again?) (when all of this comes to an end, how will I ever sleep again?)
8.
A Series of Uncomfortable Events 02:58
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(Bleep) (Bloop)
9.
Sunflower 06:40
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My head is wearing away Forgetting what you said I only remember how the words sounded But I'll keep holding on to all my old thoughts As everything around me falls apart It takes two to be true Another night I’ll spend without our Eyes meet but no use More and more it seems I’m see through Your skin is so loose It shouldn’t be this hard to be you Your rich, white, suburban dreams won’t come true. Why can’t I hear anything My thoughts are screaming Yet somehow calculated Surrounded by death. Oh Father Sun, guide my way through the flood. Oh Mother Earth, cradle me in this bed of dirt I’ve never been so blind Wearing away what’s left of all I used to be. I’ve never been so blind Everything, everything was in front of me. Crumbling these seeds between My fingertips will never be clean Forever clinging to nothing Soil beneath my feet Flowers are all I see It’s not just you and me We’re all corroding I'm going under I’m going underground
10.
Total Bummer 04:40
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Today I found Your old photos They never seemed to paint The whole picture We were young And we were stupid Trying just to fail some more fall to the floor not to get up again Everyone you know And all the people you ever cared for Will slowly fade Like the colors in your photographs We always knew it wouldn’t last I can’t believe All these years I left behind This feeling leaves me terrified I’m running out of time So hold on to yourself And to those you are closest to Like stars at night Whose light takes so long to reach us Who’s to say we’re still okay? I’ll tear away Every face, page by page Until my mind is blank Everyone you know And all the people you ever cared for Will slowly fade Like the colors in your photographs We were never meant to last

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released August 18, 2018

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Parish Hillsborough Township, New Jersey

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